• It’s Only a Dog” and Other Myths of Loving and Losing an Animal
• Behind the Scenes of a Pet Loss Support Group
• Interspecies Communication (Part 1): It’s All in Front of Us
• Interspecies Communication (Part 2): A Matter of R-E-S-P-E-C-T

“It’s Only a Dog” and Other Myths of Loving and Losing an Animal

Originally published in Central Oregon Family News March 2009

Over the past generations, some of our favorite animals have moved from living in the backyard to sleeping in our bedrooms—all the while encapsulating more of our heart, our time, our attention, and our affection. This is wonderfully portrayed in the movie, “As Good As It Gets,” when Jack Nicholson’s character begrudgingly takes care of an ill neighbor’s dog, develops a bond with him, and is then surprised over the depth of his sadness when the owner returns and takes his pet home. Jack sits at his piano, cries, and says out loud with a tone of disbelief, “over a dog!”

Interestingly enough, the culture that popularized “a dog is man’s best friend” (many women would disagree with this exclusionary statement) is the same culture that responds to expressions of mourning over an animal with “it’s only a dog…or cat…or horse…or rabbit” or whatever animal it may be. The implication and the intention of the words, “it’s only” certainly convey that this loss is of little to no value and really isn’t a loss at all, but rather a waste of emotion and energy. “Get over it.” “Pull yourself together.” “Get another.” “You’re off the deep end.” “It’s just a cat.” “It’s only…”

In the bereavement literature, this is referred to as “disenfranchised grief” and describes the experience of a loss that “cannot be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned, or socially supported” (Kenneth Doka). These feelings of isolation and “no right to grieve” are reported in many types of losses, including, but not limited to the loss involved with miscarriages, infant deaths, loss of a friend, an ex-partner, and pets. The necessary work of grieving, that is, processing through the loss, becomes much more difficult, if not impossible to do when one has to defend the need to grieve in the first place!

Not everyone necessarily feels the pangs of loss when a pet dies, and some may feel various degrees with each pet they may have. The sense of loss is often determined by the type of relationship and bond that has been present, the manner of death, the meanings associated with both living and dying, and one’s personal style of expression. There is no iron clad rule that states, “Thou shalt grieve,” anymore than one that says, “Thou shalt not grieve!” There is, however, a wide range of experience between these two responses and it is those I would like to offer the following thoughts:

It is true that we experience some grief whenever we lose someone we love; that is the flip side of caring for another being, regardless if it is human, furry, feathered, or finned. While the grief in each situation is not necessarily the same, it is, after all grief. Someone once said that “the more we learn to love, the better we become.” It is sometimes in the work of grief, that we become more than we were because it causes us to review what love is all about in all it’s various forms. Maybe those who are able to love those within and outside of their own species are truly the “enlightened ones.”

May we all become the person our animals think we already are.